I am who I am.

I need to write to get all these thoughts off of my chest. Right now. I am at a place in my life where I feel like I feel like I finally figured out who I am but I am completely lost all at the same time. I’m finally adult, I’ve finally made it. But all of this time I felt so much more like an adult than everyone around me. I felt like I was already there. Some people would take that as me feeling superior. It’s not really that. I just feel like I’ve been there, done that. I’m over it. I haven’t had a horrible life, but I feel like I’ve always kind of been forced to suck it up, to go on with life. I can’t wollow or feel too sad for too long. My mom has never really been the understanding or sympathetic type. It kind of made me grow up a little faster, I am still a teenager… in so many ways. I have so much more to experience and so much more to do. I just can’t figure out what to do. I need to do what is good for me, but sometimes I worry too much about what it might do to the people I care for. I know its important to selfless, but sometimes I feel like I’m not even being myself for fear of leaving behind or losing what I’ve known in the past. Can’t I have both? I’m a grown-up now. When I was little I looked up to people like me with wonder and amazement. I am turning into something I never thought I should be. You know? I always had this idea growing up that I was supposed to be one thing, but now I feel like I don’t go there anymore. That ideal isn’t what I thought it was, but now I’m stuck. Everyone expects me to be this way. So what if I’m open-minded? My family has always been so conservative. They don’t take well to interracial relationships or gay people. Me? I don’t care. At all. I really don’t see why it matters. For so long I felt like that was the way I supposed to feel. But I don’t anymore. I don’t think I can stand to do what everyone else wants for much longer. Sometimes I want to just runaway. I want to take off to somewhere big and new. Somewhere where I can be whatever I want. I’m so sick of living up to people’s expectations of me. I feel on-edge. I feel like I can’t take it anymore. I am standing at the top of cliff, arms spread wide ready to fall just for the rush. The excitement and freedom of falling, regardless of the consequences. Sometimes I wish I could just do what I want, but then I worry that maybe the people I love wouldn’t think of me the same. They wouldn’t care for me the way the do. I need to be free. I want to do something stupid and reckless, just because I can. To prove that I can. I’m so sick of being too afraid to break the rules. To be myself. I want to go outside, into the rain or snow or even just the wind and spin and spin and spin with my face towards the sky and my arms spread wide. Freedom. I don’t care what anyone thinks. Just let me be. Let me spin, let them think I am crazy, let me laugh hysterically. Stop caring. Stop worrying. I am who I am. Get over it.

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