Ok, so maybe thats just me. Most of the time I lack the focus required to finish little artsy projects that my seemingly drugged self began. If I were only exhausted to the point of delirium all the time, right? Then I could create an abundance of canvas paintings, esteemed novels, and inventive recipes.

Maybe its my inhibitions, you know supposedly those are down when you’re sleep deprived. Kind of like when you’re just a little drunk. I guess thats a good thing, right? A positive way of expressing yourself without that little fear inside stopping you.

I think I should make a way to have this feeling whenever necessary. Need to pen your autobiography? Here you go. Living room need an extravagant mural? Here you go. Sister in need of cheap “Ace of Cakes”-esque wedding cake? Here you go.

So I guess, in short, we should all find a way of forgetting our inhibitions and going for what our heart says is ok. Maybe it will be right every once in a while.

Well, people who know me well know that I don’t have the luckiest tradition with Valentine’s Day. I could get into the details, but I have a feeling I don’t need to. Most people can relate at least somewhat.

That changed this past Valentine’s Day. I was at home, my parents were off running some errands, and I was supposed to be watching my little brother. I get stuck with this assignment a lot, but I don’t really mind. He’s old enough that he doesn’t require much attention aside from some food every once and awhile. I was watching America’s Next Top Model reruns in my room and my little brother was sitting in the living room playing some football video game. I heard the doorbell ring, but I just waited on my little brother to answer it. I wasn’t in the mood to be sociable. I few seconds later I heard a knock on the door and my little brother said that Jeremy was here and he needed to see me. That was odd. Jeremy is my 21 year old neighbor. I hardly ever see him, he stays holed up in his room when he isn’t driving up and down the road with a new girlfriend or his friends. I have chatted a little with him before and we have kind of a flirtatious relationship, but it was never anything I saw going beyond a fun back and forth. I walked outside to talk to him on the porch and shut the door behind me. I didn’t want my little brother listening in on us. He smiled. He looked way sexier than normal. I just smiled back at him, for some reason he completely turned me on in that very moment. He pulled out a present and said, “Here, my mom wanted me to bring this down to you. She knows your birthday is coming up and heard yall were going out of town.”

“aaaw that’s so sweet of her, thanks.” Then I started to open the door again and head back inside.

“Wait Adi, I have a present for you too.” He had a mischievous smile on his face. Damn, he was so sexy right in that moment.

I laughed at him and I was just said “Ok…” He leaned in and gave me a kiss. It was a sweet, sort of gentle kiss, but it made me tingle all over. When he pulled away I just smiled and said, “Ummm… can we do that again?”

He laughed at me but he leaned in and kissed me again. He pressed me up against the wall. This time it was steamy and hot and quite possibly the best kiss I have ever ever gotten. He started putting his hand up  my shirt and I was ready to sneak him into my room right then. Then he pulled away from me when I was completely turned on. He just smiled and said, “I really hope my mom isn’t watching us.”

“Shit, I don’t even care.”

Then he said, “Nah, she probably wouldn’t mind. She’s always wanted us to be together. She really likes you.” I was flattered and all, but I really just wanted him to touch me again. I just looked at him, I have never wanted someone so much in my entire life. I guess he could tell. “I’ll tell you what, text me when you’re not babysitting your little brother and I’ll come over. We can finish where we left off.”

I just smiled at him and agreed. We’ve been talking ever since, but I’m still out of town. I cannot wait to get home.

Sorry that this is kind of graphic. I’m just saying exactly what I would if I were talking to a friend.

13. Gerard Butler (I think it might be the accent)

12. Ashton Kutcher – I liked him much more before he married Demi Moore, that just kind of gives me the creeps. That 70′s Show era.

11. Robert Pattinson – Maybe it’s the whole mysteriously attractive element. I love his hair short. Sorry guys.

10. James McAvoy (especially in Becoming Jane) – I have a thing for accents, haha.

9. Kellan Lutz – Yummy.

8. Chace Crawford – So so cute. He comes off as a little bit of a pretty boy, or he would be perfect.

7. Chris Pine – Not into Star Trek, but I can appreciate this. Aaahhh…

6. Josh Duhamel – I’m in denial. I refuse to believe he cheated on Fergie with a stripper.

5. Justin Timberlake – He’s just so CUTE.

4. Ryan Reynolds – So jealous of Scarlett, not gonna lie. Good thing I like her.

3. Taylor Lautner – OH MY GOSH. His abs, enough said. Okay well, I guess I can forgive his somewhat irritating voice. So cute with Taylor Swift.

2. Jude Law -  (The Holiday people?!) I know he doesn’t have a great reputation, but if I listen to him talk for too long I go into a trance. I have to limit my watching of The Holiday to prevent obsession.

1. Jake Gyllenhaal – No words necessary… just look at him.

Feel free to tell me your top 13!

While I do agree that Tiger Woods should never have been placed on such a high pedestal, I do not in any way agree that his behavior should be excused. When a man cheats on his wife once it is a horrible horrible thing, she will not ever recover from the pain and damage done. However, it can be classified as an incredibly stupid transgression and can possibly be worked through. HOWEVER, when a man cheats on his wife with 4 if not more women for years he is obviously not regretful of his actions and only apologizes when he has been caught.

He is either completely stupid for not thinking he would ever be caught or has not regard for his wife’s feelings. Either way, his respectability is thoroughly diminished. I have no sympathy for this man, who has just ruined the lives of his wife and two children. He is disgusting. Period.

I go through examples in my head of my own experience and I assure myself that yes it is possible for men and women to be simply friends, once we’re all mature enough that is. When someone is in what seems like a stable relationship with someone else or there is absolutely no chance they will begin to like you as anything more, then of COURSE it is.

Then, I began to find ways to disprove that. Even if someone is committed to another person, it can become awkward if you can’t interpret their signals correctly. Was trying to feed me that ritz cracker just a friendly gesture, or some kind of flirting? I get weirded out by things like that. I have a hard time letting them go, letting them roll off my back, and moving on.

In my opinion a guy is either a friend or a potential relationship and in my experience, once they enter that friend category it is hard for them to cross over and vice versa. So basically, if you’re my friend and a guy… even playful flirting creeps me out. You will come dangerously close to wigging me out and turning me away from you for a very long time. For example, a guy friend from high school asked me to a dance one year and I absolutely and completely flipped out. WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS MEAN? It was so incredibly awkward and uncomfortable that I couldn’t even stand to look in his direction without cringing for 4 years. I mean I know that isn’t the normal example, so maybe it is possible for normal people to have healthy friendships with people of the opposite gender.

So then, what is wrong with ME? I have serious problems apparently. Let me give an example from the opposite end of the spectrum. A year or two ago, this guy told me how pretty I was. Therefore I classified him as a potential relationship. It is actually a lot more complicated than this, but I will not get into that until I have an entire blog to devote to it. Eventually I began to get the vibe that he was just looking for a hook-up, so I didn’t act on it when he would touch my leg or whatever. However, he was still in the “potential relationship” category… I couldn’t mentally transfer him into the friend category.

I mean ideally, I would find a friend that I could gradually learn to like as more. For now I’m just going to hope that the people I classify as friends are just the ones that I am simply not attracted to and therefore I am unable to move them. And for the sake of humanity I will hope that it is in some way possible for at least normal people to be friends with the opposite sex.

-Adi

Not to mention her creepy husband always gives me this weird look & makes jokes about my attractiveness as well as my co-worker’s. It makes me so uncomfortable. She doesn’t act like she minds, I know he’s joking. BUT SERIOUSLY, SO CREEPY, RIGHT?!! He is 30 years older than I am. I do not want to know that he thinks I am hot. EW, he is older than my DAD!

So disturbed. I want to hit my head up against a wall so I can forget this conversation. GAG.

I’ve decided I have too much to do. TOO MUCH. I arrived home this evening at around 6:30 after school since 7 and work since 3. Then, I worked on a college application and ate dinner around 7:15. Now homework? Then all over again tomorrow? What about a life?! I’ve at least got to fit a shower and sleep in there somewhere!

To top it all off I found out this afternoon that I’ll be having to work extra in the weeks until Christmas. Between now and Christmas I’ll take finals and find out whether I got into my #1 college choice. Talk about anxiety.

So, when I sat down to type this I justified it by telling myself that all that hard work deserves reward. I need time for myself. I can’t allow myself to slowy slip into a deep dark abyss of stressful, unhappy work. Sometimes I just want to scream “FREE ME!” at the top of my lungs. Even if nothing came of it, I would be thoroughly relieved.

Somebody save me from myself.

I will start my blogging with a super fun Pre-New Year’s New Year’s Resolution. Today I decided I am going to END my unhealthy obsession over this certain guy in my life who shall remain nameless. That is my goal that is to be accomplished no later than New Year’s Eve. I will overcome this problem and I will move on to much more healthy, and inevitably more boring relationships. So now, I will list the top 5 reasons why:

1. His lying, cheating self never deserved me.

2. I am far too intelligent to be persuaded by his sweet talk & ever-so-charming self (or I’ll tell myself that).

3. I’ve got far more important, fulfilling things to worry about (AKA school & work?).

4. His big brown eyes are definitely not enough to win me over.

5. I should learn to be not-so-affected by that dreamy confidence.

sighhhh… Do I really want to give this up?

& I started off so well.

Anybody else have a Pre-New Year’s New Year’s Resolution? I’m starting a trend, PNYNYR’s start on December 1st and should be accomplished by midnight on New Year’s Eve. My Theory is that a short term goal is much more easily accomplished and of course far more chic. Keep me up to date on your PNYNYR.

- Adi